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NO IT ISN’T PORN.

… ultimate muscle?

NO.

NOT PORN.

… are you SURE?

YES. TOTALLY SURE. NOT PORN

but.. ultimate muscle??

NOT PORN.

Okay, so yeah, not porn.  Instead – very strange tv originating in Japan with a short span of not-quite-popularity here in the US in like, the late 80s or something.  Basically they’re these pro wrestlers from like, outer space and have all sorts of crazy abilities and names and things and they run around and fight each other (in official sanctioned wrestling matches, of course).

You think I’m kidding about the characters. (characters from the Ultimate Muscle version of the show, which is the US version)

The main character is Mantaro Kinniku.  An excerpt from his wiki entry:  Raised during times of peace, he is a spoiled, cowardly, lazy teenager, much like his father was at the beginning of the first series except with more emphasis on cowardice and less on clumsiness. He usually start matches off in a cowardly state, only managing to get a few good moves in due to luck. … Mantaro’s favorite wrestling move is his father’s signature move, the Kinniku Buster (sometimes called the Butt Buster in the English dub, though it actually translates to Muscle Buster) which he won much of his wrestling matches with until he gains his own signature move, Muscle Millennium. Mantaro is rather lecherous and lusts after many girls, but his main love interest is Rinko Nikaido (Roxanne). His favorite food is galbi bowl (Beef and Rice), which he often sings about.

Then we have Seiuchin, who is a BIG IRISH WALRUS.  Yeah.  Not weird enough?  How about Gazelleman? He’s a gazelle. Yeah, his signature move is bashing people with his antlers. Tired of animals?  Need more Canadians? Never fear, Canadian Boy is here. Tel-Tel Boy is a walking, talking cell phone from Hong Kong. Check Mate is a guy who has chess pieces fused to him and can turn into the various chess pieces. MAXman turns into a shoe.

My favorite though, is the one who is a toilet. YES A TOILET. They call him the Hollywood Bowl.

I really wish that I had pictures of some of these things.  Nick actually has a ton of the figures in his collection (which, of course, is how I originally heard of these guys).

Why bring it up now?  Because I have several of the songs on my ipod, and this came up earlier today:

Can’t follow along – here are the lyrics:

big bad boys from outerspace

ultimate muscle

here to body slam the human race

ultimate muscle

wrestlers race to our defense with strength and speed and… flatulence? (kid muscle farts)

ultimate musle

heroes join the operation from different planets and different nations

there’s an intergalactic federation to monitor the situation

catch each and every confrontation (only broadcast on this station)

ultimate muscle

well up on muscle planet, behind the mask they hid

the face of our new champion, the king there had a kid,kid,kid, kid

muscle has the power but he’s also kinda nuts

and this guy could save the universe ( if he only had some guts)

ultimate muscle, ultimate muscle, ultimate muscle

aaaand.. remember the cow and rice song (mentioned above)?  Here you go!

and last, but certainly not least – GO FIGHT!

So yeah, not porn. Instead, super hilaroius wrestling guys. And what can I say? I love them.  They’re hard to find though, which is why Nick goes along to all the comic conventions (and now anime conventions) here in Chicago – in hopes of finding more of these dudes.   Apparently they were never really popular here, and really are only a niche item back in Japan, which makes it difficult.  But! If it wasn’t a challenge, it wouldn’t be fun, right?

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