Today is another twitchy day. They seem to come in packs lately. Not really sure what’s going on with that. It was all supposed to just be better in 2009, right? Actually, things aren’t really bad – I’m just not reacting very well to a lot of things I think. Concentrating on anything right now is next to impossible. Case in point, I’ve tried to type out this sentence like six times so far, and it always comes out sounding just about the same, and yet, I lose track of what I’m saying halfway through and have to start over. It’s not that hard to write “OMG can’t concentrate”, is it? Apparently it is.
Last night somebody told me that the reason that he used to like me so much was because while he felt totally comfortable around me at any given time, he could always tell that I was as “uncomfortable as a longtailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs” (quaint, huh?) in like, nearly every situation. All the time. And he found that “endearing”. What the hell. Although honestly, I suppose that’s a pretty decent description. This friend is one of my exs – we’ll call him Frankie, just cuz it’s fun to type.
So yeah, Frankie. He and I dated briefly when I lived in Champaign. I’ll admit – I don’t remember a whole lot of the relationship – except that I think I had way more fun than he did. I met him at work, he came in with his friend (no, not THAT job…. the respectable one) and the three of us made plans to meet up later. At that point I wasn’t sure which of them was the wingman – but it was still going to be fun. Frankie and I did a lot of things together – but he was really more into having a settled relationship type thing than I was (go figure). It was doomed from the start, really – I had already decided that I was getting the hell out of Champaign at the earliest given opportunity, and here he was wanting to settle down. He was a good guy though, and we parted on friendly terms – I always try to end things on friendly terms … I mean, why be with somebody on a romantical type level that you can’t also be friends with?
Skip to a few years later when we occasionally IM each other if we happen to see the other person online. No real deep conversations – just the usual “hey how’s work/life/etc, how ya been” type of five minute conversations. Mostly late at night and (if I want to be honest) mostly when I think Frankie”s had a hard day or a few drinks or is kinda .. you know, feeling frisky. Because at some point in the conversation there’s always a line about how sometimes he misses me or some random comment about how great I was in bed or something. (quick aside here – my opinion is that after a while, as long as you weren’t horrible in bed, all former lovers remember each other as awesome in bed, just because you only remember the good things. however, I *am* great in bed. I’m just sayin’) Normally when the conversation starts to go that way, I totally bail. Not real interested in that sort of chat with Frankie, you know?
Cut to the past few months. Frankie”s got a new steady who I believe has a kid. Or maybe it’s his kid. I’m sure that he’s told me which but honestly I don’t pay as much attention as I should. Why not? Because his new thing is to start to talk to me about how great I was when we were together and totally playing up our relationship. And it’s weird. I mean, we don’t have anything in common any more. We really didn’t have all that much in common in the first place, except that we meshed well and had fun hanging out. And yet, all these years later, here I am being played up to as if I were the one that got away. He gets all wistful about like, how things were with us. And how great I was. And how great we were together (you know, except for the whole he wanted to settle down and I didn’t part).
GOD. And it makes me uncomfortable. Why? Like, that sort of thing is supposed to make you feel good about yourself right? Here’s this guy that just goes on and on about how great you are/were and how he wished it could have worked out better and blah blah blah. Does it make me feel weird because he’s got somebody now? Normally that doesn’t bother me at all – I have that weird thing about relationships being only what you make of them and stuff. Maybe it’s because I don’t remember us nearly as well as he claims to. I’m not sure. All I know is that sometimes it weirds me out. Today is one of those times.
It isn’t just him though either. This seems to be the week of the blast from the past. Earlier this week I got an email from an ex wanting my number to call me – somebody I hadn’t talked to in over ten years. Hadn’t thought about in probably more than five years. Funny part about that was that she got my email and somebody else’s mixed up and when she called and got my voicemail she realized it. I got a couple of follow up emails apologizing. I’m just impressed that somebody keeps email addresses that they haven’t used in ten years. 🙂 Plus there was the IM and phone call from another long-lost. And the FB message from yet another. What is this? Wait at least five years and then contact Rachel to tell her how cool she was back in the day month? It’s a stupid month. STOP DOING IT.
So what’s the point really? Not sure. It’s ‘Second Guess Yourself Thursday’ (thanks hoops & yoyo!) and maybe that’s all this is. But I’m starting to wonder if maybe I really do have the wrong idea about this whole ‘Rachel doesn’t date’ thing. Is it just a cover because I’m afraid that I won’t find anybody that I can be with? Am I just totally unsure of myself now only because people keep bringing up how I used to be? Is this me talking or the advil? WHAT IS GOING ON!!???
Part of me needs a hug. Just somebody to give me a big hug and rub my head and tell me it’s okay. But then again – maybe I only want that because I want like, a plus one? Damnit. I don’t want to think about it any more, and yet, it’s what my brain keeps coming back to. Maybe I just won’t look at my email account for a few days and bury my head in the sand and it’ll all just, you know, go away.
Venting helps. Thank you blog, for just letting me ramble about nothing, really.