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Pirates have a lot of time to read – I mean, we spend all that time at sea!  Or on the CTA, whichever.  I mean, I read a LOT.  Every time I move I donate a goodly portion of my books to a local library, and yet I still end up with way more books than bookshelves.  For example, right now I have two floor to ceiling bookshelves, and two five shelf bookshelves, all full.  Plus extra books sitting on a folding table because I’m not sure what else to do with them right now.  Trust me, it is a bunch of books. 

 

Plus I’m pretty genre-specific in my reading.  If I’m not reading English history (mainly the Tudors but also Lancasters and Yorks and Plantagenets) or the history of my people (you know, pirates!) then I read historical fiction (usually from the same periods) or vampire romance.  Yup. VAMPIRE ROMANCE.  Totally fun.  

 

One of the series that I really like is the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris.  Those are the books that have inspired the HBO series True Blood.  But more on that later.

 

What I really want to talk about is this madness that happens to be infecting 12 year old girls (both inner and outter 12 year old girls) all over the world:  the Twilight series.

 

OH

MY

GOD

 

Now I’m all for taking a well worn idea and making it your own.  But this reads like fanfiction. Like poorly written Mary Sue fanfiction.  A family of beautiful non-people-eating vampires who GO TO HIGH SCHOOL despite the fact that they’re all like a hundred years old find some random pathetic chick who has no aspirations in life totally fascinating? And want to protect her from all the bad guys? And the most gorgeous (and totally creepy) one of them all is one hundred percent in love with her? Even though she’s seventeen and has nothing going for her? Oh, and the vampires? Can totally go out in sunlight except that they don’t, because THEY SPARKLE.

Ew. And the great romance?  Edward (the HAWT!! vampire love interest) is a STALKER. And not even like, we recognize he’s a stalker and love him anyway because he’s so bad and wonderful (Buffy and Angel) – but like, creepy makes you want to change your locks stalkery.  Watches her while she sleeps, tells her that he’s probably going to kill her, says he treats her bad (ignores her, etc) because he loves her too much.  This is what teenage girls idolize as a ideal fantasy romance?  Ick.  WAKE UP GIRLS – this is a warning sign of abuse and creepiness, not your ideal love life.  Gross.

 

Okay, and I get wordy. I KNOW that I get wordy and I go off on tangents that make no sense or whatever, but WHO did the editing in this book?  SO much purple prose.  Like a painful amount.  Purple prose, for those of you who are lucky enough not to know, is when an author is so overly extravagant and flowery that you can’t even figure out what the point of the sentence was.  I mean, there’s such a thing as too much (or maybe just the wrong sort of) description in a book.  SO MANY ADJECTIVES – I’m all for them, really, but when we get ‘sparkled’, ‘like thousands of tiny diamonds’, ‘perfectly’, ‘sculpted, incandescent chest’, ‘scintillating’, ‘glistening, pale lavender lids’, and finally ‘a perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal’ all in the same PARAGRAPH – well, that’s just too much.

 

Dunno, maybe Stephanie Meyer couldn’t get dates in High School which is why she Mary Sue’d herself all over this mess, personally I think it’s just sad, really.  Not just for her, but also for ME – because I took the time to read it.

 

And now there’s the movie. WOW.  People (teenage girls) are going simply nutters over this movie. Gross. I mean, I had crushes on actors and stuff when I was that age (still do) but I’d like to think that even as a teenager I’d have recognized this crap for what it is…. and not made such an utter ass over it.  Have you SEEN the youtube videos? I won’t link them here, that’s just kind of mean really.  But you should go look them up later. No really.

 

What have you done to my gloriously broody dark and destructive vampire genre?!?! They SPARKLE in SUNLIGHT? Shame on you. Seriously.

 

Of course, I’ll eventually read the other books.  Hell, I’ll probably go see the movie.  I can’t help it – I have the point-and-laugh gene like nobody’s business.

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